My older dog, Rudy, died Sunday night. For him it wasn't bad. He went into heart failure, breathed hard most of the day, and then passed peacefully on our hallway floor with my husband next to him. For us, it was awful. The loss was bad enough......I cried, my husband cried, my daughter bawled, and my son tried to remain stoic. We wrapped Rudy in a winter blanket that still hasn't been washed and took him to the 24-hour veterinary office.

We've decided to cremate him and use his ashes on ceramic pieces we make ourselves (see post of 2/9/01). Seems a bit less gross than keeping his ashes in an urn, and a bit more permanent than burying him in the backyard, since we plan to move in a couple of years. Also, nobody needs to know but us! Sort of a clan secret (Shhhhh! Don't tell now!)

At any rate, I feel a bit better today, two days after the event. Sunday was rough, Monday felt empty. Now I'm coming out of it. We'll still miss him, and I'll probably have triggers that make me cry (forget about watching Animal Planet for a while). But Rudy was a great dog who thought he was a prince. Plus, we still have Neo, a dog who thinks we're dogs like him! What a difference.

The homeschooling girl child/woman has finished her "requirements" for high school. She's even getting a diploma, courtesy of an umbrella school in Ann Arbor, MI called Clonlara (say THAT three times fast -- but I still think Black Bug's Blood is better!). The only thing I can think of regarding her graduation is, "Now what?"

A segue to more pleasant things at a later date. For now, just a big sigh. You can figure out what kind!

One of the few small pleasures in life, going to watch one of your kids do something. Last night we attended the high school's Saturday night performance of Meredith Wilson's THE MUSIC MAN. You remember...."76 trombones led the big parade." But last night my son played the tenor sax in the pit orchestra. Not a bad production, as school productions go.

The only problem? Now I'm going around whistling pieces of the score all the time!

So, this is where I begin. Who am I and how did I get to this place in my life? Maybe journaling will help me find that out. Maybe sharing it will show other people alternate paths to insanity (or sanity).

At any rate, I'm 46, happily married (that, in itself, is extraordinary!) with two kids -- one in school and one homeschooling. Go explain THAT to your friends and neighbors. BTW, we also have two standard poodles (ok, one's a substandard), a garter snake, and two lizards. We used to have a fish tank and the kids used to breed mice and sell them to reptile stores.

What do I do? Other than full-time parenting, a journey I have never, ever regretted taking, I teach Israeli dance (look it up elsewhere), proctor basic skills tests for a social service agency, try to improve my pottery skills, and go birdwatching. See? I told you this was a strange path.

Am I happy? I guess so. But I'm halfway through my life and it's time for a little introspection so.......
Here I go!